Holding it All

Recently I was at a workshop and the presenter showed up five minutes late. She had been at her child’s school dropping off a platter of warm cookies for a school event. She breezed in, had us take our seats and do a writing exercise while she finished getting herself settled for the morning session. Before we were wrapping up for the day, she shared with us that recently she made the decision to “Do it all!” She would teach, write, volunteer at her son’s school, and continue to finish her master’s program.

It is exciting to want to Do it all, and I only wish I was able to make such a proclamation, but I can’t. I seem to need more time ‘in between’ the moments of my day. In truth, I don’t like the pressure of constant commitments. I am a person who likes to muse, to gaze, to linger. I like that extra ten minutes to get dressed slowly after swimming and taking a shower. I like that extra ten minutes to savor my morning cup of warm tea.

But I do feel seduced by the words: Do it All! So, I have come to my version of the concept. I want to ‘Hold it all!’ I want to both be able to feel trusting and confident about life, as well as uncertain and vulnerable. I want to hold the contradictions of faith and doubt and allow them to create an interesting dialogue. I want to feel accepting of my life and still have moments of resistance.

As I am turning the corner towards fifty, I want to Hold it All! I realize life is so much bigger than I’ll ever grasp and I am so much bigger than I’ll ever know and I can simply take my place in it with grace.