Listening to Your Deepest Self in Spiritual Direction

Since my publisher is currently running a contest to win free spiritual direction with me, I wanted to write a few blog posts about spiritual direction. This first one is about my experience. Below is an excerpt from my book, Seeking Surrender, on my personal journey in spiritual direction. I have been in spiritual direction for over a decade, as well as being a Spiritual Director. Here’s a link to my contest. I invite you to enter!

Listening

I continue to meet with my spiritual director. The process of letting go and of acceptance is ultimately a spiritual one for me. I feel comfortable in this quiet, intimate room on the lower level of her house. We sit across from one another, in soft upholstered chairs. There is a round table in the corner of the room, with a glass vase that is always filled with seasonal flowers—white lilies in the spring, and yellow roses in the summer.

I find so much freedom here. I can talk, cry, laugh, or be silent. In the process, I am discovering God more and more—in my relationships, my marriage, my sleeplessness, my creative desires, as well as my daily work. Everything is connected to the Spirit. I also talk about my spiritual companionship with Brother René. I share the insights I am gathering from our correspondence, and the inspiration I find from his confidence in God and the power of love.

My spiritual director has read the published journals of Thomas Merton and has great appreciation for the monastic way of life. She, too, finds encouragement in the daily faithfulness of the monk’s life: to pray, to work, to be silent, to be obedient, and to offer hospitality.

Each time I visit, I lean into the soft chair and share my journey. At times, I feel intense darkness and doubt, as I grapple with loss, fear, and confusion, while at other moments, I touch a sense of peace and trust that unburdens my heart and frees my spirit.

In this room, I have met myself, and I have met my real life: all that had and had not happened, and the absolute emptiness I have felt. There is an element of honesty in spiritual direction that allows for new growth. I am beginning to see my life as so much more than pursuing only what I wanted or expected. As my spiritual director reminds me, “There are different paths for the same desire.”

Ultimately, I find the process healing, and I begin to feel drawn toward becoming a spiritual director. As I share this idea with friends and family, it starts to crystallize, leading me to apply to a local training program. This is a transition time for me. I find myself standing in a revolving door, at the axis point where entering and exiting are lined up. I am letting go of one version of my life and stepping into the unwritten pages.