Can I Trust? Living Surrender #6

The essence of surrender is trust, but it can be difficult to find at times. It requires us to yield, and let the Divine carry us, which can feel like the greatest effort.

I’m watching how much fear is bubbling up for me right now as I am making a significant transition in my work life. Last Friday, I said goodbye to the large elementary school where I had been the librarian for eight years. I decided to transfer to a smaller school, and reduce my hours. There was something stirring deep inside of me, encouraging me to make a change, so I listened.

I ended up being the keynote speaker at the 5th grade graduation, which was a perfect ending, since I had known most of the students since kindergarten. As I looked across the auditorium stage, filled with almost 100 students who were feeling both excited and nervous, I could sense how much I had grown during my time with them.

I felt so grateful, as well as inspired, for just like these students I needed to keep growing in my life. It was a big goodbye for all of us, with flowers, cake, more cake, lots of hugs, cards, letters, gifts, and some tears.

I honor the words I said to the students in my speech: Always leave a place with a grateful heart; This school will always remain a part of your story; and, Believe in Yourself!

But now that the goodbye has settled in, I am noticing some lingering fear and even moments of doubt–did I make the right decision leaving a place that felt so comfortable?

I am facing the fear of change and the unknown. Yet, what I learned from all the years of corresponding with Brother Rene is that if I only stay stuck in myself, in trying to control my experience, then I will not be able to move forward. I must rely on God right now. I must let God get bigger. And most of all, I must keep praying for trust.

I am in a passage–in the in-between space–where surrender happens. I am letting go of one version of myself, and I don’t know the next chapter of my story. The fear wants me to go back, but this is the time to let the Divine carry me, and most importantly to LET MYSELF BE CARRIED.

Can I trust?

Reflection:

• Can you lean back right now, wherever you are seated, and feel yourself being supported?
• Can you dwell in God’s house during a time of uncertainty? Can you let your life experience be sacred?
• Can you let the Holy carry you? Can you let yourself be carried.