The cycle of life

There really is a cycle of life. I just turned fifty and I am meeting creation — and it has its own terms. So how do we encounter this meeting of time and nature? I move between openness and anxiety. I think the more I can cultivate the openness to receive the mystery of life, the better I can encounter this meeting. It’s all a grand play that I am a part of it, beyond what I can ever fully grasp.

I had the joy of being with my family over the weekend, as my sisters shepherded me into the next decade. I had the gift of being with my eighty-seven year old mother. But I could see how much she was declining. Her breathing was more labored, and when she held me I could hear the strain in her lungs. I remember feeling that with my father during his last days. I just embraced her and soaked in the love between us. So much had happened. So much pain. So much joy.

Over the weekend, I ended up facing some deep-seated childhood pain (abandonment, lack of resources), and I was angry at my mother. Then, I decided to say to mother how much I appreciated her: all the support and encouragement and acceptance she had given me during my adult years. I sat there, as her saggy skin was trembling, and her heart was weak, and her eyes were watery, and told her all the things I appreciated about our relationship and said thank you for all of it. The moment was there and I could only meet it full on. It was time to bring the pain and joy together. It was all there in me.

Now, back home, my task is not to be anxious and afraid about the future, about what will happen to her. Or to me. Or to anyone. It’s a beautiful day, and I am going on a bike ride along the coast, opening myself wider and wider to the cycle of life.