Honoring my path

Yesterday, when I arrived at work, pulling off my bike helmet and getting out my key to open the library, I looked up and there was a face from the past. It was a woman that I have known in the school district for about fifteen years now. We are about the same age. There she was, so professional looking, in a gray business suit, wearing makeup and with lovely two-tone hair. There I was, in black cotton pants, a long sleeve t-shirt and a quilted vest, and my graying hair disheveled from wearing my bike helmet.

We had a pleasant exchange, as we always do, asking about family,  and chatting about work. She was now an administer in the central office, and I was a school librarian at two different school sites. How different our paths had unfolded. At one time, we both worked in program administration in the same district office. However, she continued on the administrative path and I took a different path. She had climbed the ladder,  and now had a well paying job, and was ‘set until retirement,’ as she put it.

My path had been more discursive. I took time off to pursue an internet business that didn’t succeed. I worked part-time and developed as a spiritual director, a painter and a writer. I sold paintings, published my first book, and led spiritual workshops. She had two boys, and I was never able to have children. Our lives turned out very differently.

As I walked in the library, I had mixed emotions. Why didn’t I pursue an administrative position? Had I just settled for something less because of lack of confidence and being overwhelmed with so many personal problems.

Then I stood back for a moment and really looked at the truth of the situation. Most administrative jobs are not creative and I am truly a creative person. Most administrative jobs require long hours, and I had been holding on to  time for my own projects, my writing, spiritual direction, and painting.

I realized that I had been, in my own way, holding on to my true self all these years. Was I going to second guess myself now, and lose myself in some false comparison? Could I really honor my life? If I wasn’t going to, then who would?

I will trust my life, I said to myself. And pulled out a book of poetry I was going to read to the kids in the morning.