Meeting “what is”

On my first day of being 50, it turns out my 87-year old mother is admitted to the hospital. We had just spent a weekend celebrating my birthday, with my sisters and my mother, sharing in delicious meals, laughing together, and going through the usual ups and downs, and joys and tensions, of being a family. In the end, we were all truly grateful to be together and to know we had the love and support of one another.

My mother grew very tired over the weekend. We noticed the change, but thought it was due to the excitement and emotions of the weekend. When I was about to leave and fly out early in the afternoon, I asked my mother if she was alright. She just claimed to be very tired. But later that evening my mother needed to be taken to the hospital — turns out she had an infection and her heart beat was irregular.

Throughout the week, I have faced intense worry and sadness. And only after a few days have I been able to meet this experience with more equanimity. I remind myself what Thich Nhat Hanh, the Buddhist monk, has said many times, in the 5 remembrances: I am of the nature to grow old; I am of the nature to have ill health; everyone and everything is of the nature to change.

As I enter 50, I am meeting this realization, and rather than panic, or even tell myself that the weekend was too much for her, or even try to feel a false sense of control by understanding the medical reasons behind her current physical condition (which I do), there is a strong calling to let go and see the nature of life. Right now, I am taking more time to reflect and find more inner strength and remember in the nature of life itself.

Just this morning, I was writing in my notebook. I am born to experience loss. It struck me. Yes, I am born to experience happiness and joy, but I am also born into the human story of loss. Together we share in this journey.