Practicing acceptance

Acceptance is a practice. Yesterday, I left work and I could feel that I was exploding with restlessness and non-acceptance. So many times throughout the day I just wanted to walk up the stairs and out the doors of the school where I work as a school librarian. I like my job, but sometimes, I want to be free and not have the responsibility.

It has been raining all week, and finally there was a break in the weather, so I decided to take a long walk after work through the park and out to the ocean. As I walked swiftly with the wind sweeping around me, I could feel the intensity of my stormy energy  pumping through me. The tendency to be consumed by negative emotions is a strong pull in my psyche. How could I break the cycle?

Walking was the first step. As I walked, I prayed not to get sucked into the vortex of my habit thinking — with thoughts such as “I’ve amounted to nothing,” or “My whole life is about doing what I have to do and not what I want to do.”  To break the cycle, I began listing all the things I was grateful for: the fact that I had a job, time to walk in the park, the homemade soup I had for lunch, my sister to talk to on the telephone. 

Finally, I reached the ocean. The water was roaring from the storm, and the waves were pounding on the shore. I allowed the intensity of the sound to fill my entire being. Yes, I was feeling a storm inside of me. I was raging like the sea. And in that moment, the sun broke free from behind the clouds. Ah, the sun. Yes. Sunshine follows rain.

I went home, took a bath, and just gave myself the patience and acceptance for my stormy feelings, trusting that the sunshine will follow the rain in my heart.