Year-end reflections

As the Christmas lights and ornaments come off the tree, and I clean out the hallway closet  (finally), a tone of reflection fills the air. Over the past few days, I have been perusing my journals and notebooks from this year, reflecting on what were my greatest satisfactions, my most pressing difficulties, and my largest teachings for 2011.

As I charted my discoveries, I came to realize that one of my biggest teachings this year came from my big toe and the toe tendonitis that I have been handling for almost a year now. Our teachers can come in any form and often  surprise us.

It has taken enormous patience to face the slow healing process of this ailment. What at first seemed like such a small thing has ended up having a tremendous effect on my daily  life.  I have had to slow down (I can’t even make a quick stop to the grocery store — everything takes time!).  I have had to accept pain. I have had to learn to listen to my body and respect its limits. I have had to find the inner strength to meet my daily commitments, using crutches at work and wearing an orthopedic boot as needed. I have had to learn to be content NOT going anywhere (traveling).

Patience. Self Love. Acceptance. Limitations. Contentment. Letting Go. My body is my teacher. Will I bring love or frustration to the situation? It’s a constant dialogue.

Usually, I would reflect on my year in terms of “what have I done/what have I accomplished or achieved?” But this year, my 50th year of life, the question changed. It was more of a year of coming to a deeper, interior relationship with myself and what was going on in my life. In all of it — my continual sleep issues, dealing with my toe pain, having to push myself and meet my work commitments, supporting my mother through many health issues, and my lack of creative fulfillment — I have found new things emerging.

In the darkness, there has been light. In the pain, I have found merciful and compassionate love. In the disappointment, I have found the calling for acceptance and detachment. In the anxiety, I have heard the call to trust and sense that God is with me. And in the feeling of failure, I have caught the glimpse of fullness.

This year, I joined a weekly mediation group and I was finally able to forgive and let go of some family pain. I also began to see how valuable “letting go” really is and have ended the year with the commitment to stop chasing a fixed solution to my sleep inconsistencies. I have come to realize that everything is ultimately about my relationship to it.

In all that happened and didn’t happen, my spirit is growing and healing and loving and living. Nothing can take that away!